Merry Christmas

I don't know if anyone is still following this blog, sometimes I don't know if I am, but to you and yours, Merry Christmas!

Today feels very un-special.  I'll eventually get out of my jammies, get dressed and go get Mom for dinner. Then we'll go to Mass with friends. Tomorrow we'll spend the day with the same friends.  But somehow it just feels like the usual "how to get Mom to where she needs/wants to be".  On the whole, I think I'd rather just stay in bed for a few days, then get busy working on prepping for next semester.  

Glioblastoma Sucks

A former student of mine died of glioblastoma yesterday.  I'd known vaguely that he was sick, but lost track of it in the bustle of my life and my family's struggle with cancer.  He was only 27. 

And I still can't cry.

When a pumpkin isn't just a pumpkin

Happy Halloween!  I'm still catching up on everything, but seem to be making slow and steady progress.  It just occurred to me this morning that my Mom's porch light is on.  That made me think of Halloween, my Dad's favorite holiday.  He always dressed up as a cowboy (does it count as dressing up if it's your true identity?).  When I was a kid, he was one of the Dads that took the neighborhood crew trick-or-treating.  Back then, people weren't quite so freaked out by guns, so he would load up "blanks" (noise, no projectile) and carry one of his "six-shooters" firing blanks here and there.  

When I was no longer trick-or-treating, he'd hand out candy with Mom.  Our house has a screened in porch, and Dad would rig up a ghost that would rise out of the corner as the kids opened the door.  It was great fun hearing the kids get startled or hearing the kids yell "Hurry up, that's the house with the ghost". 

But even bigger in our family was carving pumpkins.  We're not a family to grab a carving knife and gouge out a face.  No, we carve our pumpkins so that the skin is only cut half way through.   These fancy pumpkins are quite trendy now, but that's the only way my Dad and I have ever done it.  When you light them, the carved spots glow.  It's quite a messy job.  You do the usual deseeding, but to carve, you use an Exacto knife to cut a grid into an area, then pop out the little squares of rind.  Yes, they fly all over the kitchen.  Then you use a spoon to scrape the remaning rind smooth and to the thickness you want.  That part is messy too.  You light the pumpkin with a small lightbulb.  I'll never forget Dad sending me my "pumpkin light' my halloween away from home.

My Dad could draw really well, so he had some great pumpkins over the years.  I'm not as good of an artist, but mine haven't been too bad.  I've avoided the templates they sell at the store on principle.  I was too young to remember it, but when Dad's little sister was killed in a car accident, he made a pumpkin that was crying. 

This year, I just don't have it in me to carve a pumpkin.  I haven't had time to select one, and right now I just don't feel like taking the time and making a mess.  And I guess that I just don't want to.  Maybe I'm on a pumpkin strike.  I know that there's no one to trade pumpkin pictures with after the holiday is over.  I've e-mailed Mom's neighbors and asked them to turn off the porch light for tonight.  I'm wondering what the neighborhood kids will think when they find that screened in porch dark tonight.  Our porch has been a halloween institution for 20 years. 

The porch light and the pumpkin have made me miss my Dad more today than I have in the 7 months since he died. 

Catching Up is Hard to Do Part II

Here we are, over a week later, and I'm still not caught up.  In fact, I think I'm farther behind.

Man plans, God laughs.  Dr UpsideDown plans, God laughs his *** off.

Last week included a cold, a cat back to the vet, my first presentation to the Faculty Senate at my U, the fallout from that presentation, and a whole lot of time not used well.  Now my U is on fall break, and my plans to conquer the world in 4 days have once again not panned out.  Methinks I plan too big.

For those of you that are time management junkies like me, you're very familiar with Steven Covey's quadrant system.  He encourages us to take what we spend our time on and sort them into quadrants according to whether the thing to do is urgent/not urgent vs important/not important.  Here's a graphic from Helen Wilkie's blog.

From http://tipsfornewmanagers.com/is-it-important-or-just-urgent/

Like most who feel as stressed about time as I do, I spend a lot of my time in quadrants 1, 3 and 4.  Everything is on 4 second lead time, and that stresses me out so much that when I can breathe, I do a lot of quadrant 4 - watching TV, playing on facebook etc.  I want to move my life to quadrant 2, accepting that quadrant 1 things will still happen. 

So I'm rethinking what "catching up" really needs to be.  I'm not going to get all grading done, lectures for the next 3 weeks written, the house completely clean and organized, my Mom entertained and well cared for, and my finances perfectly balanced all in the next month.  It's just not reasonable.  Maybe I need to spend this break figuring out how to use the time I DO have more effectively.  I tell many of my struggling students to write schedules for their "unscheduled" time.  Clearly, I need do what I say.

So, where to now?  I'm going to meet a friend that I haven't seen in 6 months (quadrant 2) and spend the morning with her and her kids at a nearby museum.  I'm bringing Mom (quadrant 2).  Then I'll plow into grading (quadrant 1, but seems like 3 sometimes).

Catching up is hard to do

It's that time in the semester where I seem so far behind in everything, and I have no idea where to start to catch up.   For a while I was blaming taking care of Mom for being behind, but a friend reminded me that this time of fall semester is just like that. 

So today is a glorious catch up day. I slept in, which kind of messed up my plans to get to the office early, but as Mom always says "oh well".  Now I need to clean my office, process my inbox, figure out what my to do list looks like and start getting it done. 

Then some shopping with Mom.

Then go home and repeat "clean up, process inbox, figure out to do list". 

More on E-mealz

I've gotten several questions about my emealz plan. Here's the link

http://www.e-mealz.com/

So far we've had 2 nights of meals (had a few schedule disruptions, how typical). Both were good.

The next meal on the list involves a turkey breast tenderloin, that I'm having trouble finding. We may just skip over that one.

Accepting help

I think that one of the hardest things as a caregiver is accepting help with the job. If you're a caregiver, it's because it needed to be done, you saw that you were the one who can or should do it and you've got a picture of how it will be done. You try to keep control over the medical bills, doctors' orders and execution of the doctors' orders. Then you've still got your own life to try to keep track of, and you're still wanting to uphold the same standards in your life that you had before you were caregiving. Or if you're like me, you're still trying to meet some utopian standards of cleanliness, organization, health and financial stability that were unrealistic BEFORE the s*** hit the fan.

This week all I could do was get class stuff done at least 5 minutes before it was needed and make sure that Mom has what she needs at the nursing home. Nothing more got done. After a frustrating evening of no one getting dinner made because I got home late and I hadn't told anyone what to make, I broke down and subscribed to emeals.com. It's a subscription service that sends you 7 dinner menus a week, complete with recipes and a shopping list. Yesterday afternoon we headed to the grocery and bought the entire list. My boyfriend headed home and started on recipe #1 while I headed to the nursing home to see Mom.

The grocery excursion was a bit stressful. We usually don't buy that much at the store at once, but then we usually have no clue what to eat for dinner either! I found myself wanting to "tweak" the menu, but then decided that we'd stick to it 100% for a few weeks and see how it goes. The bill came to a bit over $100, which really isn't bad for 7 dinners for 4 people (and a few extras like milk and some books and plants for Mom). Dinner #1 was quite tasty. I helped a bit, but Boyfriend took the lead. Before I left this morning, I made sure the menu and recipe for tonight was sitting on the table.

This weekend is "catch up weekend". Lots of housework and grading to do. We're planning to take Mom to the mall this weekend. I think she needs an outing.

Good news and a 4-6 week vacation for Mom

Good news. The ankle didn't need surgery. She'll still need 4-6 weeks of rehab, but there were no emergency trips to Parentville that caused me to cancel classes. Whew.

Mom has agreed to come to TenureTrackville to recover. I've found a nursing home/rehab center here that seems pleasant, clean and safe, and I'm currently in Parentville to pick her up and get things pulled together.

I'm opening mail and seeing where things stand on bills. I'm really ticked off at the moment, as I've found about $100 a month of random "services" on her phone bill and credit card. Some of it looks like stuff that Dad may have tried the 90 day free trial and no one realized had started billing. I'm getting that cleaned up one phone call at a time. I'm also setting up a few on-line accounts so I can check up on things.

The good news out of last week's mayhem is that Mom agrees that she needs more help than she thought. While she's in TTville, we're going to try to let her see that life here can be fun and that maybe an assisted living apartment would be less lonely, safer and easier to maintain. Maybe by the first of the year, we can have her transitioned. Maybe not. Who knows.

Now, who to call next.....

Hello, Job here

Arrggghhh! It's been a rough week in the world of long distance caregiving. On Wednesday, Mom had a car accident. No injuries, but it was clear that it was time to talk to her about driving. Then Saturday, she fell at Church. She missed 3 steps going through the gathering space to the bathroom. The ankle is broken and will require surgery later this week. Until the surgery, she's to be completely non-weight bearing, and I imagine she'll have quite a long recovery.

I'm trying to stay one to two decisions ahead of where we are. If the hospital won't keep her until the surgery, she'll need go to the rehab center. I know I don't want her going where Dad was. We'll have to see what is available, but I'm not there to actually SEE the places and make a good decision. I'll do what I can, and hope for the best. I'm going to spend today getting ahead for work, since I'll be headed back to Parentville for the surgery.

I'm angry. Angry that she wouldn't listen, and her friends wouldn't listen. We had 3 months after Dad died to look at assisted living places and make good decisions. Now we've got a mess and I'm 9 hours away! I'm angry at her friends, who are all telling me "We were really worried, she's not been doing well since you left". Well, yeah. Now you see what she's really like. Thanks so much for supporting me when I needed help getting her set up where she'd be safe.

Ok, enough of that. First mass, then class prep and finish my course proposal. One foot in front of the other.

1 year anniversary approaching

Today we got the invitation to the annual garden party at our U. President's mansion. I instantly realized that I'm approaching the 1 year anniversary of my life turning upside down. On September 18, 2008 my Dad was diagnosed with glioblastoma multiforme, grade IV, and given 9-12 months to live.

I remember last year's party vividly. It was held the day after I found out about the diagnosis. I was still in shock. I hadn't eaten in a day, hadn't slept, and I really don't remember how or what I taught. Everyone was dressed up for the party, I was in jeans and an oxford shirt. My wonderful friends convinced me to go, hoping that the great "spread" would motivate me to eat. Casual acquaintances kept asking me "How are you?" "How's the new semester going?", they didn't know the hell I was going through.

I'll definitely go to the party this year. Yes, I'll remember how awful I felt that afternoon. I don't think I'll ever forget. But I'll try to remember the good 6 good months we had with Dad and celebrate that I got through the bad months. Bring on the party!!!!

Debt

I was doing well supporting myself tutoring until July's vacations and moving home in August. Today I took money from my line of credit to pay my mortgage. Talk about borrowing from Peter to pay Paul.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel. I start getting paychecks again on the first of September, and I'm going back on Dave Ramsey's plan. I WILL be debt free again.

Sailing anyone???

There's a phrase you hear sometimes, "I don't know whether to s*** or go sailing", and I think I'm there. This past week was meeting week at work, and all things considered, it went well. My new committee role was more work than I anticipated, but it was all interesting, so that was good. Class prep is going OK. I wish I'd have done more on leave, but that's "September guilt" talking.

But at home and on the personal front, I just don't know where to start.

Mom is still struggling with anything electronic. She's still having trouble with the continuous glucose monitoring system. We've gone through 7 sensors and have only managed to get 2 to work. I've finally found some friends who are willing to help her, but are still struggling with the directions. Somehow the cordless phone lost its programming, so she couldn't get her voice mail. Somehow the TV remotes got messed up so she couldn't watch TV. She's also lost a check and has a few other issues totally confused. I think she's finally seeing how much she relied on me these past few months. Strangely enough, she doesn't think that Dad used to help her a bit.

The house is still a disaster. The flowers on my porch all died and the flowerbeds are overrun with weeds. Inside and out the place looks like crap. And I don't know where to start to clean it.

I have very few clothes that fit. I have no money to get some clothes that do fit. I'm trying to eat better and have been walking a bit, but by Friday of this week, I just wanted to crawl into bed and be left alone.

I guess I'll start with my closet. Purge out all the stuff that doesn't fit and put it in a box in the garage so I don't have to look at it. Then I'll get my room in order.

One foot in front of the other.

Back in the Saddle

Day 4 back at the office. It's very quiet here, thank heavens. I've been able to get my office back to function (I let my replacement use it while I was gone) and am trying to get my GTD system back up and running. I've gotten a couple of big to dos off the list and hope to hit another one today.

Home is another story. I've gotten my stuff unpacked, but fitting it back in around my boyfriend and his daughter's stuff has been tricky. I'm so thankful that they moved in and helped with bills, and I've got to remember that whenever I get grumpy, but they just don't feel the drive to organize that I do. In a few rooms I'm in the "making a mess to clean up a mess" stage, other rooms I'm just ignoring. They'll come together as I get time.

I'm still feeling that urge to improve everything in my life at once - get organized, lose weight, fix my finances and ALL RIGHT NOW!!! I keep consciously bringing myself back to the fact that I can't do it all at once and to take one thing at a time.

Mom is doing OK. She actually did get her continuous glucose monitoring system to work on Monday, I'm not sure how. It is reporting her sugars every minute and sounds an alarm when she is over 300, under 100 or rising or falling really fast. She's still a bit confused about what the alarms mean, but she's slowly getting it. The community center for seniors that is looking out for her has been in touch, and we're going to try to line up a nurse to help her with sensor changes, until she's more comfortable with it. I think the people around her are realizing how much she depended on Dad and I, and are starting to see that she may not be able to live alone in the long term. Good. I got darned tired of being the nasty bossy daughter.

Balancing the third role is going OK, so far. Thank heavens I'm working into this slowly.

Final Preparations For Mom

Today has been a bit technology day for Mom. This morning she was trained to use her new Continuous Glucose Monitoring System, the Abbot Freestyle Navigator. If your curious, read more here...
http://www.freestylenavigator.com/ab_nav/url/content/en_US/10:10/general_content/General_Content_0000013.htm

She's a bit nervous about it, but we'll see how it goes.

This afternoon we reviewed making and receiving calls on Skype and checking e-mail. All I've got left to do is make sure logmein.com works on her computer, then I'm headed home.

Randy Pausch and getting back in the saddle

Yesterday I was very anxious about getting back to my "real life", so I settled in with Randy Pauch's "Time Management" video. A friend pointed this video out to me about 2 years ago, long before Dad was ill and as The Last Lecture was growing in popularity, but not a cult phenomenon yet.

I was drawn to him quickly. His animated lecture style reminded me a bit of myself, especially the random tangents. His quest for a better way to do things, resulting in a hodge podge of several time management methods reminded me of my searching for THE book, office supply or piece of software that will finally help me get it together. Finally, his lecture made many references to junior faculty, mentioning that putting "get tenure" on your to do list is a bad idea. He was right up my alley!

I did watch The Last Lecture video, and did follow his struggle through his web page. I was saddened by his death. When Dad was diagnosed with cancer, I understood a bit more of his talks, but didn't read or watch them the entire time Dad was sick. I was living it, I didn't need to watch it too (I felt the same way about the TV show "House").

So, with less than 48 hours until I leave, and go back to what seemed like an already stretched to the limit life, but with "long distance caregiver" added to my list of roles, what did I learn?

I was able to look back on my "usual" work habits and see a lot of wasted time. Time where I'm too tired, distracted or lazy to be productive. I've got to keep a "time journal" to figure out my good times for brain work and my good times for busy work.

My procrastination is fear. No two ways about it. Now I just need to deal with the fear.

I need to work more effiiently so that I have TIME for my family, friends and hobbies. Those have been neglected for too long.

The average American spends 28 hours per week watching TV. I know that's true in my house. There will be a TV timer, and a chunk of the evening that is TV free.

I've got one of the greatest jobs in the world, with a large amount of freedom. I need to be more responsible with that freedom.


I'm supposed to look back at the video in 30 days and see what has changed. That will be somewhere during the first week of classes. Should be interesting.

t-minus 4 days

After 7 months living at Mom and Dad's, I'm down to 4 days. There's so much to do. Mom's glucose monitoring system will be here tomorrow, and she'll be trained on it Saturday AM. We want to take in the fair, and a few other things before I leave. I've got to pack. There's a few things that I said I'd do "next week" that need to be done NOW-doctor's lists, info to lawyers etc.

One fun thing that we're working on is getting Mom back to using her e-mail, and teaching her to use Skype. Dad always helped Mom do her e-mail, because she forgets how it works and lets the computer get her flustered. I've got her Mac set up so that her "dock" only has mail and skype, and I'm sitting with her as she works on e-mail. I think she's getting it. I bought her a webcam, and she's absolutely amazed by the Skype video calls. She seems open to talking over the webcam every time, now I'll have to make the time to do it.

I feel myself pullled back into work. There's some new policies complicating a project that I'm trying to finish. Demand for the courses in my subfield is well over what we planned for. My chair is doing a great job dealing with it all and keeping me out of it-I knew nothing of this until I called about another matter and asked. I'm really looking forward to getting back to work. The break has been really good, but I'm tired of having nothing to do!

Day 5. Shooter as student

Jumping ahead to day 5, "center fire" day. Centerfire is 90 shots with handguns chambered for .32 to .45 caliber. I shoot .45 in both centerfire and .45.

I was disappointed with my scores from .22 day, and really wanted to improve with my .45. Sadly, slow fire remained a problem, with a high of 70/100 and an aggregate of 670/900. I left the range still very disappointed. I'm frustrated that after 5 years of playing this game off and on, I'm still not progressing at all. I'm still a "marksman", the lowest classification.

I headed to the team match and offered to be the one shooter sitting out for the day, because I had too much "bad juju" to shoot for the team. My captain didn't seem too thrilled, but it saved him deciding two would sit out. Two of our team members had awful matches and we scored poorly. Big bummer day.

My bad mood stayed, until sometime in the evening when it hit me, that my mental moping sounded a lot like my students. I could hear "but Dr. A, I read the book and I understand lecture, why am I getting an Cs on the exam?". My answer is always "Are you working the problems? The exams are like the book problems. You've got to practice what you're going to be expected to play."

I've read the classic books on bullseye shooting and attended some incredible clinics, but my actual practice of shooting has been inconsistent. Between work, life, ranges being farther away, lack of money etc, I've just not "worked the problems" of the sport since I left Colorado. My scores are in the 70% area; I'm getting a C in shooting.

So I start the last day of Perry with the goals of a solid marksman score, positive self talk and having fun. Soon I need to figure out how important this is to me, and how much time I'm willing and able to put in to improving. Between long distance caregiving and the last year on the tenure track, I will likely be a marksman for another year or so, and I need to be OK with that.

On a totally different note, I scored one of the Army Marksmanship Unit teams, I think it's actually their top team. They're amazing to watch.

Camp Perry Days 1-2, summarized

Whew. I can't believe I've already been here 3 days! I didn't get time to post the first couple, so here's a brief summary.

Sunday was driving/move in day. My Envoy was full, but I could still see out of all of the windows, so it wasn't overfull. Arrived at Perry uneventfully and went through "inprocessing". I finished that, still quite confused about what I was shooting and when, but decided I could figure it out as I went. We checked out our hut, which clearly hadn't been used since last summer, and set about deploying the bug bomb. A few hours later we began sweeping out cobwebs from top to bottom and cleaning the flat surfaces. Home sweet home!

Monday was Small Arms Firing School. We had a 3 hour classroom session, then we headed out to the range to shoot the Beretta M9 pistols, under the coaching of members of the Army and Marine Corps marksmanship teams. The Gunnery Sergent who worked with me pointed out the things I'm doing well (more than I realized) and we discussed my stance problems. Turns out the answer is to get to the gym and build strength in my upper body and core (whoda thunk it).

The range training was a bit unorganized, and we didn't realize we'd be sitting in the sun for over 3 hours. I have a very interesting set of sunburn lines on my legs from sitting "indian style".

Dinner was hotdogs and muchies at the Shooter's Reception and to bed in the hut.

Tuesday was a Civilian Marksmanship Program match, meaning you use a .45 caliber or 9 mm pistol to military specs-no fancy stuff, with military ammo. I had to buy some military ammo and grips for one of Dad's .45s. I shot quite well, considering I had no idea what the ammo would do. After the match, lunch, a nap and a cookout.

Yesterday I realized how AWESOME it is to be here. First, any day where THE most important thing I do is shoot is a great day. Second, it is so amazing to be surrounded by shooters, guns and supplies and no one is freaking out. People are passing around and looking at each others' guns while sitting in front of their huts or walking along commercial row. People walk to the armorer's trucks with guns, just carrying them in hand with the actions open. There's no hiding our hobby, no one thinks we're weird, asks if we plan to kill someone or any of the other weird responses I've gotten to being a shooter.

It's paradise.

Camp Perry Preparation

The countdown is on. I plan to leave for Camp Perry in 24 hours. The packing has reached a fever pitch.

Ah, packing. I'll be gone for a week, staying on the south shore of Lake Erie. The weather is a huge variable, so one has to pack for heat, cold, rain, dry, bugs etc. You get the picture. Competition is outdoors, in grass, without cover, so one must dress for that. We will go into town for dinner, so decent attire for dinner is needed too.

Gear for the competition is also needed. I use 2 different guns, and I'm bringing "backups" for both of them. I spent most of yesterday loading ammunition and this morning I packed all the supplies for cleaning and doing any needed repairs on the guns.

Then there's all the stuff for the "hut". Since it's my first trip to Perry, I'm being brave and staying in the "traditional" competitor housing-the 14' x 14' huts that were constructed and originally used for German and Italian POWs during WWII. The hut has 4 military issue twin beds-and that's it. Hut's are described in the registration packet as "livable, but austere". So one packs a lot of stuff to make a hut into a home.

I'll be staying with two other women, and it's the first time at Perry for all of us. I know that we're all overpacking.

I'm SO excited to get going. More later, including photos.

Finally, MY vacation

This blog is going to get very interesting in the next week or so. I've decided to share my hobby with the blogosphere.

Dr. UpsideDown is a competitive pistol shooter. Yep, college professor and NRA member. I compete in a sport called "Conventional Pistol" or "Bullseye". We shoot at paper targets with handguns at distances of 25 and 50 yards, one handed. I've shot for years and competed pretty regularly before getting on the tenure track. With my leave, I had time to get somewhat back into it, but what leave really gave me time to do is to shoot in THE BIG ONE. The National Matches, a weeklong series of shoots at Camp Perry, in Port Clinton, Ohio.

It's going to be quite an experience, one that I'll share here. The National Matches are steeped in traditions that take on mythical proportions in the local clubs.

But for me, it will be a week with no one to take care of but myself. No parents, no boyfriends, no students, just me. Yes, I'll still be calling Mom several times a day to check blood sugars and such, but I'll be mostly on my own. I can't wait.

Maybe I have learned something

I've mentioned before that I'd thought this blog would be full of profound thoughts, but am surprised that it's been mostly news and venting. I do have profound thoughts, but they tend to come when I'm not on the internet and I forget them before I sit down!

I think I'm finally learning to accept that I can't fix everything, and that even some things that I can fix need to be walked away from.

Dad's cancer and Mom's dementia are clearly things I can't fix. I have, and continue to, do things to keep things safe and comfortable for my parents, but I've respected their wishes and not called in the army of doctors that I've wanted to. When August 1 comes, I will move back home, leaving Mom to live alone. I accept that there will likely be a "train wreck" and hope that the first one isn't fatal, but I can't micromanage her life.

These lessons are translating to smaller issues. I went home this past weekend to help Boyfriend and his Daughter to with the huge garage sale and to spend the 4th with my friends. Mom came along. I was mortified at the condition of my house. The breaking point came when I used the master bathroom and found no soap, no towels and no toilet paper. Someone had actually taken the lid off of the liquid hand soap, used the dregs, and left the dispenser on the counter. Let's not even mention the condition of the floor and fixtures.

Boyfriend said that he was so busy with the garage sale that he'd run out of time to clean up the house. I can't believe my Mom saw my house that way. Oh yeah, and he had invited guests for a cookout on Saturday too! I did a quick clean on the bathroom, and did 2 rounds of kitchen cleanup that just resulted in it getting messed up again, but then I stopped. Just stopped.

The mess wasn't my mess. There were a ton of other things going on. I was VISITING, not hired as a maid or cook. After making a batch of potato salad for the cookout, I turned the rest of the dinner for 12 over to Boyfriend. I sat in my living room, drank a beer and talked to my friends. I let him run around setting up tables and the like. My friends were very impressed at my restraint and told me that it was all OK. They realized that the condition of the house wasn't me at all.

I'm still appalled that the master bedroom wasn't cleaned up for my Mom, but I physically and emotionally can't handle cleaning up other people's "messes" when they are capable of doing it themselves. My plate is full with all of the responsibilities I already had, plus Mom's legitimate needs that I CAN help with.

Now if I can just remember this in October...

Up and Down and Round and Round

Again, a long lapse in posting. Emotionally I'm a roller coaster tonight.

Mom and I went on vacation to a lakeside resort that we have gone to since I was a teenager. This year, we went as guests of the owners. The owners had actually come to Dad's funeral. It was an amazing trip in good and bad ways.

Dad and I had always fished together in the evenings. We'd get our gear, float it on an innertube and head out to the sandbar to fish for white bass. We rarely caught anything large enough to keep, but we got time to be together with no one around and without Mom. I never realized how important that was. We'd come in when I got cold or when there was barely enough light left to swim in safely, whichever came first.

So I went fishing in the evenings, but I fished on the pier. I didn't feel as safe looking for the sandbar by myself, and the water temps really weren't high enough for swimming. I'd never had to pull together the gear alone, and I've added "getting fishing reels ready" to my list of things that Dad made look amazingly easy. My reel was crudded up from years of neglect, but I finally got one setup working and headed down to the pier with a cooler of beer and a pack of cigarettes. As I started fishing, I found myself talking to Dad. It had been a heck of a couple of days with Mom and her memory, and I was telling him how awfully things were going and what a hard time I was having with things. Just then, a tug on the line. I had actually caught a fish. When I reeled it in, it was a lake perch, about the size of my hand, bigger than anything I'd caught in years. As I took a picture of it and got the hook out, I had this amazing feeling of "it will be OK". I wish I could have bottled it and kept it.

We did all of the "usual" family things and went to most of the "usual" places. Except I was driving and I really didn't know exactly where some of them were. We made a lot of wrong turns, but in the end we got where we were trying to go. I hadn't been to this area since grad school, so it was interesting to see what had changed and what was the same.

Having Mom out of her own environment made her memory trouble even more obvious. There was a never ending chorus of "where's this , where's that". A blood sugar testing machine got misplaced and forgotten, leading to a 20 mile return trip for the machine. Mom's need for constant entertainment and activity crashed into my desire to just sit and read and be left alone. I ultimately decided to let that vacation be hers, and I'll get my vacation next month (more later).

On the whole, the trip was a success, but since returning home, my patience is just GONE. I just can't take the never ending dependence alternating with the accusations of making Mom feel stupid. The constant "I can live by myself" followed by a glance at a piece of mail and "I don't understand this, take care of it". Last night blood sugars were going up and down like a yo-yo.

And finally, I just don't feel like I'm grieving for Dad at all. I posted about this on a forum where I'm a regular, and got kind of dressed down because someone felt that I was comparing my loss to someone who lost a young spouse in a tragic accident. They felt that my comments were unworthy to the discussion because Dad's death was "better". So the one place I finally felt "safe" to talk about this, I was told it wasn't appropriate.

I just want to go back to where the biggest problem in my life was poorly written lab reports.

I think I need to clarify

That last post would lead one to believe that I'm dreading going back to work, and I'm not. I'm actually looking forward to it!

Somewhere in the visit home I felt myself being pulled by Mom and my boyfriend and realizing that (once again) I can't seem to make anyone happy with whatever it is I do. Nothing is ever enough.

And I think I've just realized that I'm really not "taking care of myself" this past month or so.

Since nothing ever seems like enough when one is on the tenure track, I was just imagining what adding that in will feel like.

Vist Home, Day 5

Wow. I just can't wait to move back here for good. Right now I'm just made to feel like I'm not doing enough for my Mom and my Boyfriend. Once I'm back I can add not doing enough for my job to the list.

Grrrr.

Test Driving the New Normal

This week has been big for Mom and I. She's staying alone in Parentville, and I'm in TenureTrackville for a week of visting, running errands and switching winter clothes for summer clothes.

So far, all is going pretty well. The neighbors and community center have helped her deal with a telephone outage, and her blood sugars and shots are going pretty well. She's been pretty busy this week so I don't think she's been lonely. Last night was the first time that she asked "When are you coming back?".

And I'm doing OK. I've done a bit of needed housework here, but not too much. I've been to the office twice and tied up several loose ends. Unfortunately I forgot to do 2 things and can't find a couple of other things, so I'm headed back to the office today.

I'm really going to hate to leave. There is so much here for me to do, so much that needs to be restarted, and I hate to leave it all in limbo AGAIN. But this time leaving seems really short - my moving back day (M-Day) is only 50 days away!

I'm bit worried that I'm going to have a hard time shifting back into "work mode", so I've got 50 days to be useful again. Maybe try getting back on a schedule, getting serious about fall course preparation, and spending less time on the internet.

Forgetting what you've forgotten...

It's been about 6 weeks since Dad passed away, and my role here has clearly shifted into caring for my Mom and figuring out what she needs to have in place to successfully live on her own. I still don't think she can do this long term (and some who know her agree with me), but I need to find a way for her to be safe until she figures this out for herself.

The hardest part is trying to suggest "tricks" that will help her to not forget important things, when she doesn't remember that she forgets them. Case in point, insulin shots. Mom takes 4 a day. Here and there, her blood sugar readings suggest that she's forgotten to take a shot. Since taking her shot is darned near second nature to her, she has a hard time knowing if she really has or has not done it. Imagine if someone asked you "Did you go pee today?", you know you must have, but you may not specifically remember it, unless something eventful happened while you were in there.

She gets very defensive about it, and will usually only admit the next day that forgetting the shot is the only reasonable explanation for the crazy readings. But then she forgets that the entire thing happened.

So when it happens again the following week, I get "I've never forgotten my shot before!". I'm trying to come up with some sort of memory jog, maybe using a test tube rack to hold the 4 needles, but until she accepts that she needs the trick, I'm banging my head against a wall.

Is this scary? Yes. Could one of these forgettings be lethal? Yes. Do I care? Yes. Do I think that dragging her out of her home against her will is the answer? No.

The good news is that some of the plans that she HAS agreed to, may actually help her remember her shot. I'm also seeing that once she accepts that one of her older systems has failed, she does accept a new system, when it is presented to her as "you can try it if you want". After many suggestions to use labeled boxes to sort and hold bills and such that met with defiance, when actually given the boxes, she began using them and thought they were neat.

Dementia is scary, frustrating and downright depressing to watch.

Gun For Hire

Finals week is coming up at the local high schools and nearby Big University. I've been tutoring like crazy for the past 2 weeks, from one end of town to the other and a range of topics from geometry to organic chemistry.

I'm seeing myself as an academic "gun for hire". Like the small town that hires the gunslinger to handle the bad element that the local law and order can't seem to take care of, I'm hired to take care of concepts that the students can't get from the instructor of record. Instead of fighting on a dusty road outside of a saloon, I face down the students' foes in the library or coffee shop. I'm there to get results, not to share my pie in the sky teaching philosophy, pedagogical motivations and deep love of some of these topics. I find myself saying a phrase that I despise when I teach "don't worry about why, just memorize it".

Why I'm hired varies. For some, I'm helping fill in holes from classes missed during an illness. For others, I appear to be some sort of homework police-they do the work just to show it to me. A few others are using me to digest their class material and regurgitate it into their brains as if they are hungry baby birds. I really HATE that last group, but their money spends just as well as the first two groups, and my mortgage company really doesn't care about my teaching philosophy!

I'm also doing some test prep with some students. The AP Chemistry exam was last week and now I'm working on SAT Chemistry and MCAT. I'm learning a lot about those exams and may continue some test prep stuff in the future. I'm intrigued by the MCAT reading selections and questions and am wondering how to work those into my courses.

So I'm packing up my gear to go into another besieged student. I'm armed with a lot of scrap paper, a calculator and something to read while she works problems. I'll fight confusion in a coffee shop and struggle to keep this young woman on task. And in two weeks when finals are over, I'll ride off into the sunset, hoping that summer session provides new "towns" in need of my help.

Has it really been THAT long since I posted?

My apologies to those who follow this blog. I hadn't realized it had been so long since my last post. I just haven't had a coherent, well developed idea in a few weeks. I've got some nuggets that I need to expand into actual blogs, and here's some of them...

I really thought this blog would focus on how hard it is to be away from my work. Turns out it isn't really that hard! I'm not sure if it's because I was getting burned out at work, or if it is because what I was dealing with here didn't leave much emotional room to worry about my job. Either way, I'm thinking a lot about this in light of my never ending goal of not letting my job run my life. More on that topic later.

We're starting to get a plan together that will hopefully allow my Mom to stay in her house when I go back to work. We're interviewing "companion care" providers now. Again, more on that topic later.

How am I doing? I'm not sure. I'm not sad. I really don't have any trouble talking about my Dad. Unfortunately, my memories are mostly of him in his last few weeks. I really hope those fade out to happier memories soon. I'd been very frustrated with Mom, but we're doing better now. I've been very busy tutoring and worrying about how I'll pay bills until my paychecks start back up in September.

In two years, I've had 4 good friends from my U leave. It is very strange. Why did they go? Why do I stay? Again, more later.

The Eulogy

I tried to write a eulogy for Dad, but had a heck of a time. I couldn't make the darned thing flow the way I wanted to. So I wound up making a list. I thought I'd share it with all of you...

In his heart, I think Dad was a teacher. He taught insurance literacy to high school students, he taught shooting, and he taught me more things than I can even think of.

Things like

-put it back the way you found it
-and the related put it away as soon as you’re done with it, it’s less work
-accidents are caused by carelessness
-but car accidents aren’t worth getting upset over. As long as no one is hurt.
-common courtesy
-there are no “little people” in an organization. The support people are more important than the bosses
-do dishes in the hottest water you can handle, washing the silverware and glasses first since they go in your mouth
-knowing how to touch type is incredibly useful (this was before computers)
-you need to know your own principles and opinions, backed up by facts, but you don’t need to push them on other people all the time
-treat every gun is loaded. Check and check again, hand them over with the actions/cylinders open
-don’t jack your mother up (still working on that one), seems like it will be more important now
-old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill
-sometimes, a well worded letter is the only way to address the problem
-if you can’t write it, ask Irving J. Kowalski to do it
-you can do anything, being a girl has nothing to do with it
-Robert Heinlen, Isaac Asimov, Ayn Rand, Harry Chapin, Ogden Nash, Tom Lehrer, Bela Legosi, Bram Stoker
-lay still, be quiet, close your eyes and go to sleep!
-front sight front sight front sight
-if you realize you needed it, add it to your gun bag/packing list/glove box/purse
-packing a car requires careful examination of the shapes of the trunk and the things to be packed.
-don’t leave things until the last minute
-don’t borrow money or tools from friends or family
-when you fish, you’ve got to move the bait around.
-don’t throw cigarette butts on the ground or out the car window
-always run early. On time is as good as late
-Keep the cars maintained

He snuck out on us

Dad snuck out on us around 11 this morning. He was sleeping peacefully, as we were sitting around reading the paper and I noticed that he was very pale. He'd slipped away while we weren't paying attention. Just like him.

More later.

Vigil

My plans from Friday didn't make it off of the drawing board. On Sunday, Dad presented with pneumonia. By the late evening he was unresponsive and this morning we ordered hospice.

Friends are beginning to come by and visit. Not all want to see Dad, and I'm sure he understands. As a kid he was always advising me to "remember people at their best".

My biggest fear of this day was that I wouldn't be able to make the decisions that Dad wanted and stick to them, but it worked out OK. I put the necessary paperwork in with no hesitation and no second thoughts.

Now we wait.

I'm Taking You Home

We're bringing Dad home and conducting rehab here. He's too miserable at the nursing home to get well.

Falling

I didn't realize there had been such a gap in posts. I kept waiting for things to "settle down" so I could blog about them, but they never have.

Dad has a new trick, falling out of his bed and wheelchair. I'm not sure if he is falling in his sleep, dreaming he can walk on his own and "forgetting" when he wakes up, or just being impatient and difficult about asking for and waiting for help. He's fallen 5 times since my last post, 4 of which resulted in trips to the ER because of nursing home policy. Once he split his head open and needed stitches, and on fall #3 or 4 they kept him for the weekend to make sure there were no changes in the MRI or other obvious reasons for his falls.

Yesterday we went to the oncologist and got more good news, the tumor still has not grown. There is a lot of swelling around the tumor, which has severely impaired his speech and right side. The impairment has Dad very frustrated, and he really seems to have given up. Medications have been adjusted to try to fight the swelling and fatigue, but I'm not sure how we fight the attitude.

I know that as the caregiver I'm supposed to allow Dad to feel angry, frustrated etc, but I'm hitting the wall on that. He's stubborn, impatient, demanding and difficult. Mom can barely stand to be around him and generally leaves the nursing home in tears. Last night was fall #5. Mom and I didn't go to the ER. Mom was very upset and I didn't want to leave her alone. The nursing home wants a meeting today to figure out what to do about the falls-he's now gone through every fall intervention in their book. Last night they mentioned having a friend or family member around him 24/7, but with only the 2 of us, I just don't see how we can do that. I have a feeling I'll be spending Easter weekend looking for a new nursing home.

When I was a kid, Dad made "chore cards" for me, which listed my daily responsibilities, and that I had to check 4 times a day to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything (Dr. UpsideDown has always been a scatterbrain). I'm actually thinking of making chore cards for all 3 of us, and showing Dad that his chore list isn't that long, and that he's not living up to his responsibilities in this family. Maybe going back to the principles that were central to him when he was raising me will jog something. I just don't know.

Are YOU taking care of yourself?

As I enter month 4 of caregiving/professional leave, I'm becoming annoyed with this question. First, I wonder if I really look awful, since people keep asking. Second, I really don't know how to answer.

For the record, I think I'm taking care of myself. I have no problem eating and I sleep a lot. I'm in an aerobics class and a yoga class, and I usually make it to them. I get out of the house for my tutoring and I go to the coffee shop and read several days a week. I'm making slow and unsteady progress on losing the 20 lbs that I need to lose, but that's not my focus. I got a haircut, went to the dentist and am taking care of some other medical loose ends here in Parentville.

But there's a snarky side of me that wants to point out that I've run out of paychecks and am into my emergency fund already. Tutoring has to support me until my paychecks start back up in mid-September. I have a huge knot in my shoulder/neck. I cringe when the phone rings, fearing it's another problem at the nursing home. I dread going there because my Dad is so depressed. I'm feeling stressed about my lack of research progress this year. I'm really lonely and see no light at the end of the tunnel for going to my home any time soon. I left my makeup bag at home the last time I was there, and haven't bothered to buy new or have it sent.

Don't get me wrong, I know that the people who are asking care about me deeply and mean very well. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. It's just a question that I'm not fond of this week.

I QUIT! (but only for today)

Dad fell again early this morning. I'm not quite sure how it happened, the nursing home has had 2 different stories and I'm not sure how much I want to dig at it.

The call woke me up and I snuck out to the ER to be there for him. Fortunately, he's OK and Mom got her full night's sleep. I had not gotten to sleep at a decent hour and I came home in the mid-morning, exhausted to the bones, with the knot in my back hurting like white hot flame over my entire shoulder and neck. I crawled back into bed intending to take a nap, but realized that I just wanted to quit this whole caregiving thing and run screaming back to VA, but I was too tired to walk to the car.

So, just for today, I quit. It's mid-afternoon and I'm still in my pjs in bed. I asked Mom to go visit Dad without me. Maybe tonight I'll go to the movies, or maybe I'll just stay in bed.

Tuesday, Part 2

Just before dinner, the nursing home called. Dad had tried to go to the bathroom by himself and fell. According to policy, he had to go to the hospital and be checked out. He got X-rays and a head CT and was completely OK. Well, not completely, he was there for 5 hours, saw the nurse rarely and only saw the doctor once, so he was really annoyed by the end.

So I guess he's trying again. Trying to get stronger and trying my patience!

Dry Run

One of my favorite scenes from the sitcom Will and Grace is when Jack's Mom arrives for Thanksgiving dinner one day early, carrying an empty casserole dish. She claims she's doing a "dry run" for bringing her covered dish to Thanksgiving dinner the next day.

JUDITH McFARLAND: [ENTERING FROM THE ELEVATOR] Yello! Hot dish coming through. And she's carrying a casserole.

GRACE: Who's that?

WILL: Jack's mom.

JUDITH: Whew! 86 minutes. Not bad. Yeah.

WILL: Judith, you do realize that Thanksgiving is tomorrow.

JUDITH: I'm doing a dry run, Will. I wanted to see how long it would take me to get here while carrying a casserole dish. The other benefit of a dry run is that I power-walk the whole time while clenching my buttocks like so. You can't tell I'm doing anything, but my ass sure can. Oh.

http://www.twiztv.com/scripts/willandgrace/season2/willandgrace-208.htm

I love the idea of a "dry run". Whenever I go to the DMV, I always say I'm doing the dry run, so when I find out that I've got the wrong form or payment option, I'm not upset, I'll just do it right when I do it for real.

I think I got a "dry run" of how to let go of Dad. The nursing home called to tell me that Dad hasn't been very cooperative the past few days. He's been coughing on his food quite a bit, but won't let the speech therapist assess his swallowing ability. He's also not been letting them talk to me.

I know he's frustrated at how impaired he is, so I made follow up appointments with his oncologist and neurosurgeon (that was already on my to do list) for the first week of April. Then I headed over to see what was going on. Driving over I had images of moving him to hospice, backing his refusal of feeding tubes and just watching him slip away, and I wasn't sure I could do it yet. The tumor isn't growing, chemo is still working, I'm just not ready to give up yet. But on the other hand, it's not up to me.

When I got there, things weren't as bad as I feared, but clearly the staff needed some help getting him to cooperate. He and I have made a deal that he's not allowed to give up until AFTER he's talked to the oncologist. He's going to work with his therapists to the best of his ability until then. Then we'll see what the oncologist says about how we deal with the impairments. I've got the nursing home doctor talking to the oncologist's partner about what we can do in the meantime to make him less frustrated.

I'm not sure I'll call this dry run a success. I made it to the nursing home in about 30 minutes, including a stop for coffee, and I got things under control for the time being, which is good. I didn't authorize the staff to do anything he didn't want to do, which is good. I did guilt him into doing what I want him to do, and I'm not sure if that is good or not. Hopefully I learned enough in this dry run that I will do it "right" when I do it for real.

And no, I didn't clench my butt. It didn't even cross my mind. Maybe next time.

Secret caregiving handshake?

I'm starting to think that caregivers need a secret handshake, there are so many of us.

Today became a really hard day. Dad's nurse called to tell us that he was headed out to a doctor's appointment that I knew nothing about, so I headed out to meet him at the doctor's office.

This doctor hadn't seen him since last spring, so he had no idea about the cancer, and was certainly not expecting such an impaired patient. The waiting room wasn't laid out well to accommodate his wheelchair and his nurses weren't really prepared to help him get in and out of the chair. When we finally got him situated on the examination table, I was at the end of my rope and found myself crying in the hallway outside of his exam room. One of the other nurses said "you must be the caregiver" and took me into a conference room, gave me some water and let me explain the entire story to the doctor in private.

I think I was most bothered by the indignity Dad was suffering. He needed strangers to help him in the bathroom and he nearly fell. He was exhausted from getting in and out of the chair and up and down off of the table. He couldn't clearly explain how he felt or what he wanted, and I just felt awful for him.

Once he was done, we loaded him back up and he went back to the nursing home and I headed out for some time to myself. I'm still tearing up really easily and just feel like going to bed and having today be over with.

Back to Square One

Last Thursday, Dad got out of the nursing home. Yesterday, he went back, by way of the hospital.

The good news, the tumor itself is no larger. There is more swelling around the tumor, but no growth. But, he's clearly back to square one in rehabilitation. His speech and motor skills are very impaired again. He's realized that he's been in medical facilities for an entire month and he's depressed. He's scared. He's miserable. Somehow tonight I found the strength to tell him that I'm scared too, and to ask him if he's still up for fighting. Fortunately, he is.

The stress is making Mom's dementia worse. This is not bringing out the best in me.

I finally got in touch with local Alzheimer's Association. I need help. They're sending a list of support groups and local resources for dealing with both parents.

This has been a rough 48 hours. I went to the public library and gorged on books!

Paying the Bills?

February 28 is a sad day, it's the first payday that I didn't get a check! Reality is here, I need to figure out how to pay the bills. I've got a fledgling tutoring business going but I need to put a little more effort into promoting it and get a few more clients. I've also applied for some part time work from ads on Craig's List.

Last week I was offered an interesting part-time teaching job, but I didn't feel right about it. The job had potential to be a time and energy suck, at a time that I really feel like I don't have much energy. I just kept feeling like "this job isn't why I'm here right now". Turning the job down required a conversation with my parents about possible emergency bailout loans. I have rarely asked for money from them, so it was very awkward.

My parents had very different reactions to it. Mom has always been the Financial Worrier in Chief of the family. Dad and I have always called her Squirrel Nutkin because of the way she squirrels money away. She's made a few comments that my financial concerns are my own fault and that she never asked me to go on leave from my job and be here. She admits that she's very grateful to have me here (most of the time) but she doesn't seem to get what I've given up to be here. I'm chalking it up to her dementia and trying not to be offended by it.

Dad has always one who felt that he worked hard to have money to do what we needed to do and ideally what we wanted to do. When asked about the money, he gave me a look of "of course, why are you asking?" and said "no problem".

So I've got a net if I need it, now I've got to try not to use it. Tutoring anyone?

Back to Work

With Dad's medical crisis mostly over, I decided it was time to roll up my sleeves and get back to some intellectual work. I've designated the coffee house at the bottom of the street "my office" and try to head down there every morning and do some reading related to my classes.

I've started slowly, reading some lighter topics first. For the past week I've been reading about writing about chemistry, trying to think through my senior level "writing intensive" course. I've written a draft of a scavenger hunt, to get the students more comfortable with finding the things that they need in the ACS Style Guide, the writing handbook for chemistry. I think it's been a productive week.

Relentless

I've not yet managed to post about the week of the 9th. Maybe I'll get to it later. Dad has been in a nursing home since Friday. He's got some breathing trouble and can't manage all the stairs at home. Between the hospital and the nursing home, he's been away from home for 10 days now, and I've been running point at home, with Mom and with Dad and his medical professionals.

My parents are relentless. I imagine my friends with children must sometimes feel the same way about their children. We've been to the hospital or nursing home every day, some days for 9-10 hours. Mom had had doctors appointments, we've been trying to get legal stuff set up, and Mom's been trying to pull stuff together for taxes. I'm pulled 16 directions at once, and I don't seem to be making anyone happy.

Mom has dementia of unknown cause and she's been diabetic (type one) for over 50 years. Her memory is beyond poor, and she can be stubborn, rude and totally ungrateful. I'm tired of trying to anticipate everything and getting yelled at for it. Diabetics that have lived with it for over 50 years are a complete unknown to doctors - my Mom's generation is the first to have diabetics that have lived that long. Her blood sugars are unpredictable when she's stressed, no matter what she eats or does. Her doctors are really great with her, but her sugar drops to really dangerous levels with absolutely no warning and for no understandable reason. It's not bad enough to be trying to do all this stuff, but to have to stop dead and treat hypoglycemia damned near every day just pushes my patience to the edge.

My boyfriend came to visit and got me to leave for 24 hours. His family lives about 90 minutes away, so we took off Sunday afternoon and returned Monday afternoon. No big deal, right? Wrong. I had arranged with neighbors to keep an eye on Mom and that they would come and check on her if needed. I called her around 9 pm to check on her, and it went to voice mail, so I figured she was talking to her family and kept calling. At 10:30 Dad called me, telling me that he hadn't been able to get through either. So I called the neighbors and they came over, finding that the phone was not hung up correctly. Whew. I made the 3:00 a.m. blood sugar check phone call and that was ok. Double whew. But on Monday morning, when Mom tried to go to the nursing home to see Dad, she got lost, despite having directions taped to the dashboard of the car. She was afraid to try to go home, so she stayed at the nursing home until I got back at 3 p.m.

So, I've learned that there are no days off and that I really can't just leave. I'm going to have to find some help around here, but my parents don't agree. Ugh.

There's battles to be fought with the insurance company over the price of chemo, and many other phone calls to be made. But I'm realizing that I've GOT to set a schedule with time for me to do things that make me feel like I'm not being picked to death by birds. I'll keep you posted.

Dr. U.

What a long strange week it has been

I can't believe that it has only been a week since my last post. It seems like eternity. It has been a very rough week, with 2 trips to the ER, near murder of a pharmacy employee, and a good old fashioned emotional meltdown or two. I'll post the various misadventures over the next few days. They are rather funny in that "If you don't laugh, you'll cry sort of way".

Sometimes you win

When you're taking care of your parents, you've got to "roll around" in the small victories.

Dad has conceded that hand rails in the shower "might be helpful" and that a taller toilet "would be nice". They're being installed today and tomorrow.

Mom let me take all the medical information - bills, insurance stuff, prescription stuff- and organize it into binders in a system that I can understand. Since I'm dealing with it all, it's going to be a big help.

Lest I get too cocky about getting the hang of things here, my Mom's cat clawed the crap out of me as I caught her to lock her up while the handyman is working on the bathroom. The cat has already not been amused by my moving home, but this clearly went over the line for the feline. Anyone know of a good concealer/foundation for cat scratches?

They Just Don't Get It

My parents have some well intentioned friends who call wanting to talk to my Dad on the phone. They just don't get how much my Dad's speech is impaired and how frustrating it is for him to have to repeat himself.

Some friends are always telling me what I need to "make my parents do". They just don't get that my parents are still adults and still entitled to make their own decisions. I can't force Dad to go to physical therapy any more than my Dad could force me to do much of anything.

My boyfriend misses me terribly. I miss him too, but he just doesn't get that making me feel bad for not being at home doesn't help my mental state at all.

My Mom doesn't get that I've walked away from my home, my career and my financial stability. My last paycheck will come in a couple of weeks. I'm terrified. She just doesn't get it.

I didn't have any idea how hard it would be to live here with just my parents as companionship. I just didn't get it.

Home and Back Again

Sorry about the lapse in posts. I returned to my home for a week and a half for a doctor's appointment and to check up on a project in the lab. I was far busier than I thought I would be, and didn't get much done that I wanted to, but I got things done that I didn't think I would, so I guess it comes out even.

I'm back in "Parentville" and while nothing has really changed, some things have happened that make things seem worse. That doesn't really make sense, so let me explain...

Mom's dementia has now been confirmed medically. She went through a battery of tests with a neuropsychologist last year, and the final report has been submitted to her doctor. The four page report confirms what Dad and I have known, she's got significant memory deficits and is cognatively well below what she should be for someone of her age, education and history. The report says repeatedly that it is not Alzheimers, and that MRI and CT doesn't show anything abnormal, but something is definitely wrong.

On one hand, this is good. I now have a 4 page letter to remind me that her behavior is not her fault and that she's not trying to be mean, annoying or rude. On the other hand, this is hard evidence that this is the new normal. This isn't going to get better and is likely to get worse.

Dad is still weak and tired from the big cycle of radiation and chemo, and I think he's still waiting for the "recovery fairy" to sprinkle magic dust on him so that he'll feel better. Unfortunately, there is no magic dust, so he's probably going to have to suck it up and go to physical therapy. I'm at the ultimate "child as caregiver" dilemma - how do you make your parent do what is best, without making them feel like they aren't in control of their own decisions? Maybe I should research magic dust to make Fathers less stubborn.

So nothing is really different, but nothing is the same either. Weird.

Top Ten Signs Your Elderly Parents Need You At Home

In no particular order, and an incomplete list at this point. Feel free to add more in the comments.

1. You can't find any clean dishes in the cupboard. Everything that's in there is kind of dirty. ("It's wasteful for two people to use the dishwasher")
   
2. Your Dad hasn't used a turn signal in a year.
3. While at home, you find yourself wondering "I wonder what Mom is burning for dinner".
4. They watch the Game Show Network.
5. They fight over the motorized wheelchair cart thingie at Wal-Mart.
6. You worry that the movie Gran Torino has given your Dad ideas.
   

Good News As Leave Begins

First the good news, Dad's tumor has responded to radiation and chemo. It is smaller and the swelling around the tumor is going down. YAY! He'll be on maintenance chemo (5 days of Temodar every 4 weeks) until that stops working.

Today is the first day that I really feel like I'm on leave. Classes at my U start next Monday, and if I weren't on leave I'd have been at the office today, finishing my coursepacks and syllabi. Instead, I was driving to Parentville, and tonight I'm planning to read a novel, watch TV and fall asleep. Definitely not my usual to do list for the week before classes begin!

I'm already twitching for something to do. This is going to be interesting.